Cats? I can’t abide them ... they’re killers

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The sorry little scattering of downy brown feathers on the back lawn gave a clue that even dimwitted Inspector Clouseau couldn’t fail to spot.

Murder most foul had been committed, but where was the corpse?

Digging up dandelions some days later, I discovered under the ferns the maggoty evidence; a decomposing sparrow.

Snowy or Montmorency or Wellington or Atilla had obviously slaughtered the poor creature and moved on to other amusements.

Yes, another flaming cat!

Sorry, cat lovers, but I can’t abide the damn things.

Whether they’re stalking birds in my garden, sleeping on my shed roof, pooing in the flower beds or cavorting on stage in that tedious Lloyd Webber musical, I just wish they were elsewhere. They know I don’t like’ em, too.

Whenever I visit a house where a cat lives, whose lap does it leap on first? Yes, mine.

And when I gently try to remove the feline hooligan, the claws dig into my trousers as I put on a silly grin and politely declare: “No problem.”

Don’t misunderstand me; I don’t wish cats any harm. I wouldn’t want to shoot them, poison them, drown them or electrocute them (or would I?) despite the extreme provocation. I’d just like them kept under control, like any other domestic animal.

Sheep and cows are kept in enclosed fields, parrots and budgies and rats and hamsters are in cages, snakes and lizards are in tanks and dog owners must get leads and poop scoops and put a collar and name tag on their mutts.

So why are cats uniquely given carte blanche to roam and defecate and kill freely wherever and whenever they want?

“Oh, puss, you’ve brought me a present,” simpers the cat lover as a dead bird is deposited on the hearth rug. The killing is defended with: “Oh, she’s only following her hunting instincts.”

Yes, but so is the terrier or greyhound that attacks a cat, and then all hell breaks loose as the distraught moggie owner phones the police, RSPCA and Cats’ Protection League.

Former Goodie and wildlife broadcaster Bill Oddie once said: “Make no mistake, cats are responsible for far more bird deaths than anything else.”

Whoever invented the concept of putting the cat out at night wasn’t a bird lover, said Bill, and owners should attach a collar with a bell and keep their pet in at night, when cats hunt.

Is that too much to ask of you cat people out there?